Monday, June 10, 2013

Regional Differences - Our Celtic Cousins - Part One Scotland

Welcome fellow Scratchateers!  Hark - is that the rustle of A bag of scratchings being opened?  Well if you are in England, in a pub and half pissed it probably is.

However if you are in a pub in Ireland, Scotland or Wales*  It probably isn't and you are more than likely a massive cunt.

A few bits of admin first - the reason for such a huge gap in between posts is down to the extremely thorough and extensive research I had to undertake to make this post a reality.  Like all good research it was conducted at my house and at no point during my research did I bother to actually go to Ireland, Scotland or Wales.  Actually tell a Lie last Summer I accidentally went to Hay on Wye but I left pretty sharpish I can tell you.

About ten minutes ago I had an idea for a post, I mean about a year ago I had an idea for a post and hastily cobbled some research together, well I say research, what I actually mean is texted a lad I know who lives in Dublin and asked him what they had for snacks in the pub and I texted another lad I know who lives in Aberdeen and asked him the same questions.  There that is full and frank research, surely.  Even handed, thorough compelling research that obviously gives me carte blanche to write what the fuck I like about the snack habits of the Irish, Scottish and Welsh**

Kicking of with those cunts who live above us in the frozen barren wastes of the North North of England.  In Scotland the poor cunts are restricted to crisps, nuts and scampi fries (shudders) in the main.  Bloody hell.  That and pints of fucking heavy or what ever shit they drink when there not jacking up.  That's shit.  Really shit.  And to cap it off some places also sell some shit called a Rowie.  In all honesty I cant really make out what it is but one receipe I found looked to me like the ingredients for glue.  Mind it was those those two fat dullards the Hairy Cunts, or what ever there called.

A Rowie yesterday

And if your really interested click here for a receipe for glue, sorry I mean a Rowie by those two fat cunts of the telly.

Two fat cunts of the telly

The jock bloke I hassled for paper thin evidence of Scottish pub snacking also claimed some pubs did Mince and Tattie toastie but frankly I don't believe him and a very quick google image search found nothing to make me think differently - so not only do Jocks have shit bar snacks - they are also proven liars.  The cunts.

However they can redeem themselves ever so slightly by the addition of the jock pie.  I am rather partial to a jock pie and by all accounts some pubs in Scotland serve these but let themselves down badly by not utilising a pie warmer and nuking the cunts in a microwave before serving the pie with it's molten hot filling to an unsuspecting patron, who is Scottish, and guaranteed to be pissed, and WILL therefore burn his mouth.

Oh well.

A Jock Pie this afternoon.

So in summary here are some pictures of Scottish people.  I'm sure you will get my drift.

Ha Ha Ha Has Ha

Likes a jock pie or two

Fan - dabi - spit - roast

Scottish Person this morning.

* I have no actual Idea about Wales - I'm massively speculating.
** Again - not one iota about Wales.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Leaf scratchings am fucking ace

I was sat at me desk at work today when a bloke came in who owns a few boozers round my end and tossed a small plastic bag at me said 'have a go on them'  I inquired as to what they were amd he said 'leaf scratchings'.  Fucking ace I thought - it's got scratchings in the name.

Now I could be a right cunt here and google leaf scratchings, write up a load of shit pretending I know all about them, where they come from and that but the truth is I aint got a fucking clue - never fucking heard of them.

So I am going to google it now and see what the fuck they are.......

..........Right - I am now a complete knowledge on them and have eaten most of them as well.  I'll stick some pictures up and then I will bore the shit out of you about them.

 Right - so thats what they look like - not the most attractive thing in the world granted - but they taste fucking lovely.

Now to appear uber intelligent as I simply cut and paste some crap from wikepedia and insert some swear words into the text.

Leaf scratchings came about as a by-product of the lard making industry. Lard made from the "leaf" of the pig (the tissue surrounding the kidneys) is superior to other types of lard, posh fucking lard if you will. When the leaf is clarified to make the lard the tissues and bits of meat and shit that remain, are then compressed by a sort of cider press device thingy and are cooked - baked rather than fried. The result is flaky rather than crispy, with an intense porky flavour, and a different texture with more ‘chew’ than a traditional scratching.

Sadly, the unpopularity of animal fats, people being fucking gaylords and also EU regulations contributed to the demise of these delicacies.  However, thank fuck, there is one butchers shop in Darlaston that still sells them - they are Coopers of Darlaston and have a website, so have a look on it and order some you cunts. Butchers in the black country what sells leaf scratchings

Also I found this bell end selling them on ebay:  Bell end that sells scratchings on ebay

I ate all of them and feel a little sick now but I can only urge you to try them also as they are bloody lovely.

More sporadic, rubbish updates on my blog in about six months cunt fuckers.

In the mean time log on to if you want to read other sweary rants by me and other people who like to swear and that.

Friday, August 05, 2011

New Kid on the block

Watch out scratchings - you have a rival.

I went out on the smash last Wednesday - was supposed to be a couple of pints after a fraught tea with my mum, never a nice experience.  Anyway decided to slip over the road to the Wagon and Horses for a few

The Wagon and Horses

I had a couple in there - some delicious Oakham Inferno and the gaffer, Bob, was in fine form.  He was as pissed as a cunt and being fairly aggressive.  He also had a little feel of my wife's tit the dirty bastard.

Bob the landlord who had a feel of my wife's tit

He was trying to coax me into going to the Great British Beer Festival this Saturday, 6th of August.  His sales pitch went something like this - 'come on Danny - leave the kids, fuck it, we can go properly on the piss, not any of your namby pamby shite, properly on the piss!'  Some chaps sat near us overhead and enquired what it was all about and he turned his attention/aggression on them.  Told them about the full English breakfast on offer in the pub prior to departure on a coach to London to go 'properly on the piss', one of these chaps made the fatal error of asking if he could take some cans for the coach to which Bob told him to 'fuck off' and then called him a 'moron'.  Excellent put down Bob - I took notes.

Anyway - we decided to have a swift one in the Hawne Tavern on the way home - always an error as it always gets messy in there.

The Hawne Tavern

As predicted it got very messy - in short I got twatted.  I had numerous white lions and upon feeling a bit peckish towards the end of the night I went to get some scratchings.  But my eye was turned, cheap tart that I am and I saw these hanging from the wall.

I saw these hanging from the wall

"Give me a packet of those" I slurred at the barman and then I proceeded to eat them very quickly becoming extremely agitated if anyone came near them or me and indicated they wanted some as I wanted them all for myself because they are so fucking lovely, and I am greedy cunt.

After the Jalapeno flavour I clocked they had a honey and mustard flavour as well, so I quickly drank two more pints and then weaved back to the bar, falling only once, and bought another packet.

Honey mustard ones

I very nearly got into a fist fight over these but I manged to eat every last one without sharing, I recommend that approach personally if you decide to try them.

My one quandary over this is that there fucking American and we all know they are cunts.  But hey fuck it - they are rather special.

Other information regards the evening - I went outside 20 times as I smoked a packet of these.

So in short - bloody lovely bar snack and I will happily eat them again but they ain't no scratching.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Southern Benders

It seems our Southern (bender) cousins, I can say this with complete impunity as I am essentially from France, have had enough of scampi fries and fucking frazzles and are also jumping on the scratching band wagon.  The cunts.

Regular reader and long time bender Marco Tagliatelle-carbonara-plastico-De-wop sent me these frankly shit pictures fucking ages ago with some dull text that I have since lost. 

I can imagine the majority know what is coming next...Yes complete fabrication of the exact events.

Never let the truth get in the way of a lame attempt at humour, thats what my old nan told me before she got stuck into a bottle VAT 69.  Anyway over to Marco...

Hi Dan, how are you mate?  I never told you I loved you before you left Dover - well there you have it - I love you and my life, marriage in fact everything is a sham. 

Anyway, got that of me chest, I was out with my beard the other day for a pint, putting on a deep voice and everything, when I clocked some scratchings behind the bar.  "Mans snacks" I said to the inconsequential other half and purchased a pack along side a pint in a ludicrous overtly manly china pint pot.  It's obvious I'm screaming.

Marco - the G&T is yours - we all know.

Any way as suspected they were disgusting and I will never have them again.  On the way home I also clocked this.

I did not put them there - honest

It's like fate - you write a blog about scratchings and I see two packs in one day!  Oh I'm all a tither. 

Anyway I ride bikes now so if you want to see me in Lycra get back down south - love you Marco.

Er......cheers Marco.  Keep up the good work.

More scratching, beer or cigarette related fun as soon as I can be arsed.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Christ on a fucking bike

Shit the bath!

Turns out we have a bird reading the blog, we will be putting moisturiser on next and eating fucking quiche at this rate!

Anyway supposed regular reader and full time cunt Joanne Ayeoop emailed me the other day, and testament to her, told me a story about a scratching she had way back in 2007 or something.  Over to you Joanne.

I have a scratching story to tell you and it happened fucking ages ago, Christmas 2007 to be precise.  I was out on the smash in some wanky jazz pub place by centenary square / paradise forum (that's Birmingham for any of you cunts who dont know) can't even remember the name it was so long ago... Anyway, I was about 9 pints of cider deep and fucking starving.  I could have quiete easily eaten a scabby monkey fried in clarts, what I did get was probably worse to be honest.  I toddled over to the bar and was gobsmnacked this wanky pseudo trendy cak hole I was in even sold scrtatchings so when I clocked them I was in like fucking flynn.  I ate most of the cunts but lurking at the bottom, well I was so disgusted by what came out of the packet that I had to photograph it... I am still amazed, I have to keep the pictures as evidence...

It looks like a really stubby deformed cock
Who would have thought that some dickhead would write a blog about it and share it all these years later!!...You really are a cunt.

I have to say I have never purchased a packet since!!! I feel better for sharing... now please don't swear at me or call me a cunt!!! ta

Ok Joanne  - thanks for sharing.  I promise I have not altered any of your words, called you a cunt, or embellished your story in any way whatsover*

* I have - you cunt.

If you would like me to ridicule you in anyway, make you appear more sweary than you actually are or simply provide me with any mildy interesting subject matter for this woeful attempt at a blog then email me on